Dec 22, 2002

Dear Brieanna,

The year is almost over, it has gone so quickly. We celebrated baby Noel's birthday this week she is now one year old. She is so sweet, and beautiful to me. She says "dad" and "I love you", and many other phrases. She is a very content baby, and rarely cries. When we put her in her crib at night she just lies down and goes to sleep without any fuss. Her good nature reminds me of you as a baby. I used to like to come home and play with after work. You would hold onto my fingers and I'd pull you up, into the air. I was amazed by your physical strength. I like to put olives on baby's fingers. For example when Seth was little, I'd put 10 olives on all ten of his fingers, and he'd eat them one by one. I tried that tonight, but his fingers are too big, so I put an olive on Noel's finger, but she wouldn't eat it.

Asher's birthday is next week after Christmas, he'll be seven years old. That's almost as old as when you were taken from us. Christmas time is always the hardest for me. It's been 5 years since you were taken from us, and so we are going on to year 6. I never anticipated that it would take this long. My thoughts are on you this time of year. I wonder if you are happy, if you are staying out of trouble, if you can even remember me, or if I'm a faint memory. Can you remember your brother Asher?

Children accept their circumstances and rarely question the reality in which they have been placed. Brieanna you are a teenager now, and your mind will start to become more mature, and your eyes will start to open up to the truth. I only wonder how long it will take. Will it take 4 years or 24 years for you to truly understand the reality of what has happened to you, and to know what has selfishly been taken from you. You have the right to have a father and mother, and brother's and sisters, and know the love and joy that can be found in a normal and happy family. I hope that there are a few good people in your life there in Canada. I pray that good will bring a few good adult role models into your view.

This next year is my last hope to see you. You will either come home in the next 12 months, or it wont be until much later in your life, as an adult. It's hard to let go of you. I read a book today by C.S. Lewis, called "A Grief Observed". He talks about the loss of his wife to cancer. He compares losing a loved one to losing a limb. The intensity of pain leaves with time, but the sense of loss always remains. I have grieved with intense pain in having you taken from me. This has changed, into a deep feeling of loss, and the realization that I will never be able to experience the joy of being with you as a child. I've prayed for justice, but what has been taken can not be restored. Justice is empty and meaningless to me. All I want is to hold your hand, and take a walk with you, and talk to you, and find out who you have become. Oh, Brieanna, I miss you so much. When will we be reunited.

Love,

Dad.